Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Vulpine Vignette

The following will soon be published in Civilized Beasts III by Weasel Press. However, though accepted, the publication has not yet been finalized. For those interested, I would appreciate any critique of this short scene. Likewise, if anyone has ideas for further developing a story out of this, I’d be much interested. All advice is welcome, but keep in mind that this work will open up with a haiku, then alternate between prose and tanka poetry (if lengthened). Thank you in advance!

Vulpine Vignette

small town sleeps
beneath the bright stars -
the crowded moon

Written upon the night-time sky are several scores of far-off lights, largely unpolluted by their small town counterparts. The cool Autumn breeze compels me to return home, but I stay outside and pace along the sidewalk. Observing what nature offers, my gaze forgets the civilized world for those more distant primitive wonders. The moon, centerpiece of the night sky, pulls on the earth as a lonesome lover, while showing her beauty bare in the attraction that steadily slips away at the advance of age.

A chilling tempest is whirled in from the darkness of the trees, catching me in its unbearable cold. My fur is not defense enough against these elements. The harsh reality of nature, despite its beauty, turns my mind toward a want for companionship. Oh, how a lover’s embrace could help shield me from all manner of life’s terrible tempests and calamities!

I stare into the darkness from where those winds came, filled with fear, but determined to make something more of my desires than just feeding the idle longings. With the surge of courage mustered from these inner-most desires, I leave my small town home to run into the dark unknown of the forest.

that urban fox
staring into night -
taking courage
enters the dark woods
seeking out his love

Poetry is not my Strongpoint. But it looks good so far. In your opening, I love the imagery provoked by “small town sleeps” and “crowded moon”. The first paragraph has an amazing line, “The moon, centerpiece of the night sky, pulls on the earth as a lonesome lover.” I’m also not very good at grammar but what I wrote would seem the more appropriate way to arrange that sentence (At least to me). My only critique is that I do notice a lot of repetitions with words such as “Tempest” in the second paragraph and desires in the third. I don’t know if this was your intent but to me, it feels a little jarring. Beyond that, I like it. Good work.

Noted and edited! Thanks for the suggestions! I also made a few other minor changes to the prose section. I’m still open for further suggestions, if you can find any. I’m especially open to suggestions for developing a full story out of this short vignette, though this is not entirely necessary for the piece. Thanks again!