Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Looking for beta reading on furry dystopia submission

Critique
#1

While the Furry Dystopia Anthology submissions were due 1st May, I got a week long extension. I know its short notice but I feel my work could really do with feedback, partially because I didn’t get critique on different anthology submissions and they were rejected. The piece is about 7,500 words and available (for the moment) here:

As its a Dystopia work, it does have some dark settings, nothing gratuitous though. I’d really like to know what people’s responses to this are, especially if there are ways I could improve it.

Thank you very much.

#2

I’ll take a look, post some notes for you tomorrow.

#3

Thank you, much appreciated!

#4

My initial thoughts as I read for the first time:
You call them ‘Zebra’ and ‘Lion’ but we get no descriptions of the animals themselves. Do they still have tails? Hooves? How does she work a gun with a hoof?

The Cow and Sheep farms - I wasn’t ever clear if these animals were also sentient, like the zebras?

Is Milna telling Zeker her story when we get the flashbacks? (also, why choose a name starting with Z for the lion? Confusing when you also have zebras mentioned so many times. I recommend changing it)

What species are the enforcers? Can I get more description of them? Are they covered like the black covered people?

How is sex encouraged in the compound when they don’t ever interact with the jailers/enforcers?

How does she instinctively know the screen can show more?

Ah, ok. She was telling all this story to Zeker. Maybe make that clearer when the flashback starts?

I like the description of the escape. Very well done.

Love the twist at the ending.

Overall I think it could be tightened up. I found myself loosing interest at some of the slower parts of the flashbacks. Maybe flesh out Zeker’s character a bit more. He’s really very bland.

#5

All very good points Arara and well explained, thank you.

I’ll be honest, one or two I thought I could get away with or wern’t a big deal, but I’ll get writing now to address them. I’ll put up a new version when I can.

#6

Thank you once again for the feedback Arara.

I’ve written up a new version that addresses pretty much every point you brought up (except of course the things you thought were good, thank you for that)

The new version is here in case you or anyone else wants to look at it: <Link removed, critique no longer needed>

I’m not sure if you or anyone wants to give more feedback, especially with limited time left, but regardless, thank you very much. I feel the story is stronger from your input, and as a still somewhat inexperienced writer, it was a great boost to get your opinions and thoughts on it.

#7

I didn’t take a close look, just a quick skim, but I like the changes. :slight_smile: Good luck on your submission!

#8

Thank you, and thanks again for your feedback!