Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Dream-Catcher

Dawn sun and birdsong.
Sopping brow. New dream-catcher,
Now torn to tatters.

Eep! I read your signature, thinking it was part of the poem.

:o

A rather unpleasant awakening.
I like the image, although I wonder at the structure, but then I am not a poet.
Would it be ok to suggest?:

Dawn sun and birdsong.
Sopping brow.
Dream-catcher torn to tatters.

I usually try to keep my haiku at the 5-7-5 syllable count. There are various ways of attempting to do haiku in English, but this is my preference.

Not sure about ‘sopping’; to me that suggests something porous, like a towel or clothes, soaked.

Well, I can replace it if I have a word that means “thoroughly wet” in two syllables.

If you insist on keeping the 5-7-5 syllable format, might I suggest?..

dawn sun with birdsong -
sweat-soaked brow - new dream-catcher
now torn and tattered

How does that sound?

Apparently I only find problems, not solutions :stuck_out_tongue: